Never Turn Your Back on a Dead Man
by Hailey Russell
Summary: A little Halloween fun with SG-1.


Never Turn Your Back on a Dead Man

Jack strolled off the elevator and around the corner.

"Jack!" Daniel ran to meet him. "Boy, am I glad to see you."

"Well, good morning to you too.  What's up?"

"Teal'c has been asking questions about Halloween all morning," Daniel complained. It's not that he didn't like explaining things. He really did. But, he liked to have coffee first.  You'd think Teal'c would know that by now.

"Oh?  Is it kind of like for every question you answer he has ten more than he rapid fires at you?  You try to evade him, and, just when you think you've lost him, he pops up with another question?  That sort of thing?"

Daniel stared at Jack then said slowly, "I do that a lot, don't I?"

"Eh." Jack cocked his head first to the right then to the left.  Then he nodded once emphatically. "Yeah."

Daniel raised his eyebrows, and Jack shrugged.

"Well, then I'm sorry."

"No need to apologize to me. You don't really do that to me much. Anymore."  Jack paused. "Ok, apology accepted.  Let's get breakfast before we gear up."

The wormhole collapsed, and SG-1 turned toward a hissing sound off to the left.  

"What is that?" Jack asked removing his sunglasses.

"Wow, that's a lot of cats," Daniel said looking through his binoculars. "Black cats."

"Black cats?" Sam asked 

"Well, this is Halloween," Jack said.

"Yeah, on Earth," Daniel replied.

"What is the significance of black cats, Daniel Jackson?"

Daniel sighed.  

Jack grinned and patted Daniel's shoulder as he walked past him toward the cats.  "Yes, Dr. Jackson, what is the significance of black cats?"

"Well, they were associated with female deities in mythologies, namely the Greek goddess Hecate.  Black cats are said to be omens of death or illness in some cultures.  They are also associated with the black arts."

"Like witchcraft?" Sam asked.

"Some consider Hecate the mother of witchcraft."

"Why would someone keep a cage full of black cats?" Jack wondered shrinking back from the wires as at least a dozen cats lunged at him hissing.

"There are thirteen cats," Daniel said.  "Why doesn't that surprise me?" Anticipating Teal'c, he added. "Thirteen is considered an unlucky number."

"I've seen plenty of black cats before," Sam said eyeing the hissing felines. "They were perfectly normal cats.  They purred when I pet them. Nothing like these guys."

"I don't know much about black arts, but I'd guess all of these cats are female.  And, they've probably been bewitched so that's why they're mad."

"Bewitched?" Jack asked. "Why?"

"To keep people away?" Daniel shrugged. "As an indication of what's inside that house."

"What house?" Sam asked.

"That one," Daniel said pointing to the house in the middle of a field of tall grass.

"Was that there before?" Jack asked.

"I do not believe so, O'Neill."

"Well, let's go see if anybody's home," Jack said.

"Are you sure?" Daniel asked.  "What about the 'unwelcome' mat?"

"Oh come on, you don't really believe those cats are evil do you?"

"On Earth, no. But, we're not on Earth."

"All the more reason not to take this stuff seriously."

"How do you figure that?"

"Well, if that's not a haunted house I don't know what is," Jack explained. "Looks like someone came to Earth, studied Halloween and wants to have a little fun."

"I suppose that could be true." Daniel still wasn't completely convinced.

"Carter? Teal'c?"

"I think we should be ok, Daniel. As long as we're careful."

"I agree," Teal'c said.

"First sign this isn't just someone having fun, and we're outta there. Ok?" Jack asked looking at Daniel.

"Ok."

"Besides, I'll bet Teal'c's never been in a haunted house."

"I have not."

"Ok."  Jack and Sam began walking through the tall grass toward the house.

"A haunted house is a place of spooks designed to frighten children," Teal'c recited.

"Right," Daniel said falling into step beside Teal'c.

"What are spooks?"

"Uh, ghosts, ghouls, skeletons, vampires, monsters." Daniel kept answering Teal'c's questions as they followed Jack and Sam through the metal gate and up the long, winding walkway to the house.

"Creepy," Sam said somewhat sarcastically as the door creaked open when they stepped onto the rusty boards of the porch.

"Well, at least we don't have to touch that thing," Jack said indicating the doorknocker.  It was a skull with what looked like milky fluid caked all over it. "Shall we?"

"I will go first," Teal'c said eagerly.  

"Ok," Jack said. Who knew Jaffa could be eager?

Teal'c brushed aside the thick cobwebs filling the dark doorway and stepped inside.

"Whoa!" Jack said grabbing his nose as soon as he stepped through.

"Ew," Sam said entering.

"It stinks in here," Daniel said.

"O'Neill." Any trace of eagerness was gone from Teal'c's voice.

"Here's why," Jack said coming beside Teal'c and looking down.

"Ohmygosh," Sam said behind Jack and turned away.

Daniel stared down at the body with a sick expression. "What do you think happened?"

"I don't know. Let's see if we can find out."  Jack stepped over the body and the puddle of milky fluid surrounding it.  He ripped a tattered blanket off a rod in the middle of the room and tossed it over the body.

"That body's been here for a while, sir.  Maybe whoever or whatever did it isn't even here anymore."

"If he, she or it is still here, we're probably not going to find him anywhere near this room.  Not unless he has no sense of smell."

"All right.  We'll do a quick check of the rest of the house then leave."

"What's wrong?" Sam asked.

"Wasn't there just a door there?  The one we came in by?" Jack asked pointing.

"Yeah," Daniel said nervously.

"Carter, you and Teal'c go that way.  Daniel, you're with me.  Stay in radio contact, and let us know when you find a way out."

"Yes, sir."

Daniel stepped over the body and fluids.

"You're right," Jack said standing beneath the rod from which he had torn the blanket and shining his flashlight into thick, dusty cobwebs covering the other half of the room.  "Nobody's been near this room in a very long time."  Jack moved the beam of light along the far wall until it landed on a door. 

Through that door was a kitchen.  Thick dust and grime covered every surface.  Dust carpeted the floor making their boot prints easily visible.  Daniel sneezed three times in a row and created a cloud of dust that made Jack sneeze.  They quickly crossed the kitchen into what seemed to be a sitting room.  

"There's not as much dust in here," Daniel said and sneezed again.

"Guess we're getting close to the perp." Jack walked over to a tea table and picked up a cup.  "Wonder how long that's been sittin' out."  He sniffed the liquid, wrinkled his nose and returned the cup to its saucer.

"Jack," Daniel said from across the room.

"What'cha got?" 

Daniel held up what looked like a chess piece. 

"Chess?" Jack asked with a shrug.

"Look closer."

Jack took the piece and examined it in the daylight streaming through the dirty floor to ceiling window behind Daniel.  "Ok, that's…"  The piece was a pawn with a gun.

"Yeah. There are four of them."

"Four?"

"This one also has a weapon. And look at these two." Daniel held out the last two pawns. One looked like it had glasses drawn on it.  The other had a tattoo drawn on its forehead.

"Ok," Jack said reaching for his radio. "Carter? Teal'c?"

He didn't get an answer.

"Carter? Come in."

"I have a feeling our radios aren't going to work in here," Daniel said quietly.

"Yeah." 

Daniel replaced the pawns.

"Oh no. Not again," Jack said looking at where the door had been.

"What?" Daniel turned around so fast that he bumped the table, knocking the board and pieces onto the floor.  Two of the pawns rolled under the sofa.  Jack helped him set the table upright and replace the board and two pawns. 

"Just leave those," Jack said as Daniel started to reach for the two pawns under the couch.

"Are you sure?  One of them was me.  The other one could be you. Or, Sam. But, my guess is it's you."

"Why?"  
"Because you're in this room, and Sam isn't. I don't know about you, but I'd feel better if my piece wasn't under there."

"Come on, Daniel.  Those pieces aren't us."

"They just happen to look like us?  On a planet we've never been to before?  In a-"

"Ok, ok.  I see your point."

Daniel knelt and reached under the sofa.  He lay down on his side and peered under it. Rolling onto his back and moving as close to the sofa as he could, Daniel stretched his arm out under it.  His fingertips touched something, and he grimaced.

Jack crouched down at Daniel's head and shone the flashlight under the sofa.  "Uh, move your hand to the right.  Not that far."

"Jack, what am I touching?"

"I'll tell you later. More to the left. There."

Daniel brought the two pawns out, sat up and looked at his fingers.  They were covered in milky fluid.  "Jack?" 

Jack traded the pawns for the flashlight, and Daniel lay down and shone the flashlight under the sofa again.  "Oh no."

"Yeah," Jack said giving Daniel a sympathetic look.  He reached down to help Daniel up, but Daniel whirled away and threw up.

"You ok?" Jack asked swallowing his own nausea.

"I think so."

"Let's find that door and get out of here," Jack said helping Daniel to his feet.

"It was over there before, right?"

"Yeah. Maybe it's still there, we just can't see it," Jack answered without confidence.

"Maybe."

"That was a long tunnel," Sam said running her fingers through her sweaty hair.

"Indeed. I am relieved to be through it. Perhaps we can find another way back."

"I hope so."  Sam and Teal'c glanced around the large room.  Dirty floor to ceiling windows lined the walls.  The few pieces of furniture present were covered by sheets that were once white.  Other than that, the room was empty. "Something's not right."

"I too sense that something is amiss," Teal'c said looking out one of the windows.  Not far across the yard was the back wall of the house.  In the room on the other side of that wall two pawns rolled under a sofa.

"Did the length of that tunnel seem disproportionate to you?"

"I believe we should be at a greater distance than we are currently." 

"Right. We shouldn't be able to see that part of the house.  I mean, judging by the dimensions of this yard, it looks like all we did was walk down a short hallway."

"That is not possible."

"I know." Sam reached for her radio. "Colonel O'Neill?" Nothing. "Daniel?" 

"Perhaps we have indeed gone a great distance.  These windows may create an illusion."

"Maybe.  But I don't think we could have gone out of radio contact yet. There must be something interfering with the signal."

"Then, we should return."

"Yeah. There doesn't seem to be anything interesting in here anyway." Sam turned a couple of circles and looked confused.

"Major Carter," Teal'c said looking at the wall where they had entered the room.

"That _is _where we came in, right?"  
"It is."

"Well, doors can't just disappear."

"Perhaps it is still there only hidden."

"Maybe."

"Well, that was pointless," Daniel said wiping his hands on his pants. "Not to mention disgusting."  He looked at the layer of milky fluid on the wall where he and Jack had been patting to try to find the door.

"First thing I'm doing when we get back home is take a long, hot shower," Jack said wiping his hands on his pants too.

"And burning these clothes."

"Yeah."

"So, now what?"

"The only other option I see is to break that window."

"Well, that was pointless," Sam said wiping her hands on her pants. "Not to mention disgusting."  She looked at the layer of milky fluid on the wall where she and Teal'c had been patting to try to find the door. "I can't wait to get back to earth and a long, hot shower."

"Indeed." Teal'c wiped his hands on his pants. "It appears our only other option is to exit through one of these windows."

"Yep. Pick one."

"According to Daniel Jackson, I am not skilled at picking items at random."

"Why does he say that?"

"He was teaching me to play Scrabble. He instructed me to select seven tiles. When I proceeded to select the seven nearest me, he stopped me and tried to explain how the place of the tile doesn't really matter, but one can obtain better variety by selecting tiles in a random pattern.  At the end of the game, he said perhaps I would 'get the hang of it' nest time."

"Oh. Ok, I'll pick one then."

"Should there not be any logic to the selection?"  
"I don't think so. I think your assessment of these windows being an illusion is right. Based on that, my hypothesis is that each window will lead us into another puzzle.  So, it doesn't really matter which one we pick."

"Do you believe there are levels to the puzzles on the other side of the windows?  Perhaps some are more difficult to solve."

"I hope not. Let's try that one."

Jack and Daniel moved the chessboard carefully to the floor.  Then, they picked up the table and smashed it into the window.  They covered their faces until the sound of shattering glass stopped.  They set the table back down and stepped into the yard.

"Ready?" Sam asked.

"I am."

Sam covered her face as Teal'c fired his staff weapon at the window.  When the glass stopped shattering, they stepped into the yard.

"Carter? Teal'c?"

"Colonel O'Neill. Daniel Jackson."

"Colonel, what's going on?"

"I was going to ask you."

Daniel saw something not far away and walked toward it.

"Find anything?  Or anyone?"

"No, sir. You?"

"Another body.  And some interesting pawns."

"Pawns?" Sam asked.

"As in chess pieces?" Teal'c asked.

"You guys might want to come see this," Daniel called. "Or maybe you don't want to see this," he added under his breath.

"Tombstones," Sam said. "So, whoever or whatever has killed more than two…people."

"I-I don't think so," Daniel said pointing to the tombstone in front of him.

"Ohmygosh! Colonel-"

"Yeah, I see it."

"I think you're right, Jack. Somebody's having fun. At our expense."

"Are these to be our graves?" Teal'c asked staring at the tombstone with his name carved on it.

"This one doesn't have a name," Sam said standing in front of a tombstone a short distance away from the other four.

"I don't know," Jack said. "And I don't particularly want to stick around to find out."

"What was that?" Daniel asked from Sam's side as she raised her weapon.

"I thought I heard something," Sam said lowering her weapon slightly.

"I did too."

"All right. Everybody pay attention as we walk slowly away from this house," Jack ordered. He motioned for Daniel and Teal'c to go ahead.  He and Carter walked backward, weapons ready and trained on the row of tombstones.  As they rounded the side of the house, Jack and Sam turned to walk sideways.  

Daniel and Teal'c made it to the metal gate first, and Daniel opened it. He raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"Is something wrong, Daniel Jackson?"

"I just didn't expect to be able to open the gate so easily."

"What's wrong?" Jack asked as he and Sam reached the open gate.

"Daniel Jackson believes the success of our attempt at escape is a trap."

"Well, not exactly.  But, the gate did open too easily."

"Makes sense," Jack said.

"Really?" Daniel asked.

"Indeed."

"Good observation," Sam said.

"The military had to rub off on you some time," Jack joked.

"So, what do we do now?" Daniel asked.

"Anybody have anything they wouldn't miss if something happened to it?" Jack asked.

Teal'c raised a questioning eyebrow as Sam and Daniel rummaged through their pockets.

"I want to try something," Jack explained to Teal'c.

"How about this, sir." Sam handed him a sophisticated Swiss army knife.

"You sure?" Jack asked admiring it.

"I've got two more at home."

"Ok."  He tossed the knife out the gate where it disappeared. "Good call, Daniel."

Something hissed behind them, and they all spun around.   The body they had found inside the house stood in front of them, the blanket Jack had covered it with adhered to it via the pockets of milky fluid all over it.  It hissed again and sprayed the milky fluid over SG-1, knocking them unconscious.

Daniel was the first to wake up. He found himself in the room where they had found the body. He took off his glasses and wiped them on his shirt.

"Ew," Sam said to Daniel's right. "I was curious about what this stuff is, but now I've decided I don't care what it is.  I just want it off of my skin and out of my hair."

"I agree. Although, I was never curious about what it is," Jack said shaking his head and spraying Sam and Daniel with drops of the stuff.

"Jaack!"

"Colonel!"

"Sorry."

"Quiet!" Teal'c held up a hand.

The creature stepped into view and stood staring at SG-1.

"I thought that thing was dead," Sam whispered.

"It will be soon enough," Jack said reaching for his weapon. "Unless, you want to try to communicate with it."

Daniel shot Jack a wary look.

"I'm serious."

Daniel studied Jack another few seconds then stood and walked to within a few feet of the creature. "Um, hello."

The creature looked quizzically at him.

Daniel touched his chest. "Daniel."

The creature wore the same expression.

"We'd like to know what you were planning to do with us."

The creature looked annoyed and grunted.  Jack raised his weapon.

"Look, we're not mad.  We just want to go home. To Earth."

The creature hissed and spit milky fluid at Daniel.  Daniel dodged the spray as Jack aimed at the creature's arm and shot.  The creature watched the bullet sink into the milky fluid then turned to Jack and spit fluid at him.  Jack ducked as Teal'c shot the creature with his staff weapon.  The creature gurgled painfully, writhed and exploded, spraying the walls, floor and SG-1 with milky fluid and bone shards.

"I only meant to wound it," Teal'c said staring at where the creature had been and ignoring the fluid dripping down his face.

"It's ok, Teal'c," Jack said searching for a place to wipe his hands.

Suddenly, the house disappeared, dumping SG-1 carelessly into the field of tall grass.

"Ow!" everyone exclaimed as they hit the ground hard.

Jack, Daniel and Sam used the grass to wipe their hands and faces.  Teal'c came out of his trance-like stare and did as the others were doing.

"Looks like everything disappeared," Daniel said standing and looking around.

"Yeah," Sam agreed standing. "I guess that creature was controlling the illusion, and when he died, it evaporated."

"Illusion?" Daniel and Jack asked as Jack and Teal'c stood.

"Teal'c and I were in this room with a lot of windows.  Teal'c suggested the windows served to create an illusion, and I think he was right. Only, the windows weren't the only part of the illusion."

"So, someone or something tapped into our minds and created an illusion to trap us?" Daniel asked.

"It's just a working theory at the moment," Sam said shrugging.

"Who? Or what?" Daniel asked.

"We may never know," Jack said. "You guys can work on it after we get home." He began walking toward the stargate. Teal'c followed him. 

"Right now, I think I'd rather shower than work out this theory," Daniel said.

"Me too," Sam agreed.

"What was that?" Jack asked spinning around and almost hitting Teal'c. "Did you two just say what I think you did?"

"If you think we said we'd rather do something other than work," Sam said passing him.

"Then, you're right," Daniel said following Sam. 

"But don't get used to it," Sam and Daniel said in unison.

"What's the moral of the today's story kids?" Jack asked catching up to his two scientists.

"Never turn your back on a dead man," Daniel said.

"Well, I was going to say never gate to a planet with a haunted house on Halloween," Jack said. "But yours is better."

"Perhaps that creature was not dead," Teal'c offered.

"Ok," Daniel said. "Never turn your back on an undead man."


End file.
